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| 1 | Al Craven  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Al Craven
Al Craven: Everybody's got something to hide, lady. That's what makes this country great.
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| 2 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: All right, let's hustle up some honeys!
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| 3 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Christine, You're a lily pad in a pond full of sludge.
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| 4 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Death is just nature's way of telling you you're not alive anymore.
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| 5 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Let's put a lid on this assiduousness.
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| 6 | Bull Shannon  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Look out ladies, there's a bull on the loose!
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| 7 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Move, or I will invent the human pretzel.
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| 8 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Out with the old, in with the new. Get sick and die, we'll replace you too.
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| 9 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Sir, I'm afraid they're gonna start flinging the wienies around!
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| 10 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: Wow, this is even keener than the club in Star Wars!
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| 11 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: You know the old saying, "Spare the Uzi, spoil the child."
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| 12 | Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon
Bull Shannon: You'll get your Mercedes when I get some ladies.
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| 13 | Bull Shannon & Dan's Surprise Birthday P... | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon & Dan's Surprise Birthday Party Stripper
Bull Shannon: They call me Bull.
Dan's surprise birthday party stripper: That's what they all say.
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| 14 | Bull Shannon, Kryptonian & Roz Russell | Quotes | Quotes |
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Bull Shannon, Kryptonian & Roz Russell
Bull Shannon (as Jor-el): Son, your mother and I love you very much.It breaks our hearts to think of being away from you. But it's no longer safe here. The time has come when, for your own good, we must send you away. I know you're frightened, but we're sending you to a safer place. Things are much better where you're going. You'll grow up safer, healthier, even stronger. Goodbye, my son.
Kryptonian: Jor-el, you were right. Krypton is doomed.
Roz Russell: I think a filament burned out in there. You were telling us the story of Superman.
Bull Shannon: Wait, what about the time I got bitten by a radioactive spider?
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| 15 | Christine Sullivan | Quotes | Quotes |
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Christine Sullivan
Christine Sullivan: Sir, I think my tendons are beginning to snap.
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| 16 | CIa Agent & KGB Agent | Quotes | Quotes |
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CIa Agent & KGB Agent
CIA Agent: Your mother wears combat boots.
KGB Agent: Only during field maneuvers.
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| 17 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding (spotting the next defendant, who happens to be extremely overweight): Sweet Jabba the Hut!
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| 18 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Being nice to people who can help you is one thing. Being nice to everybody is sick.
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| 19 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Has anyone told you what a cute vaccination scar you have?
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| 20 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Hey babe, wanna play with my Lincoln Log?
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| 21 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Hi Happy, I'm horny.
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| 22 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Hi there. I couldn't help but sense you from across the room. See, I mean I have this innate instinct when it comes to noticing intelligent women, and I was wondering if you would like to come with me to a party at the mayor's house.
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| 23 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Hi, I'm shy. And I know that this may seem forward, but I was wondering if maybe sometime you would like to go out with me. I work til eleven, but if that's inconvenient, I can resign now. Do you live near here? If not, I can move.
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| 24 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Hold onto your Dixie cups - the south will rise again!
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| 25 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: How about after work you come over to my place and we can browse through my Ansel Adams prints?
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| 26 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: How about we go back to my place and continue the slurping?
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| 27 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: I think all this talk of the death of premarital sec is premature don't you?
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| 28 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: I think I swallowed my eyes.
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| 29 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: I want your planet of origin, and I want it now.
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| 30 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: I've just decided I want to donate one of my vital organs. How's ten o'clock for you?
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| 31 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Me Tarzan, you lucky.
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| 32 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Not tonight, I have rabies.
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| 33 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: She's in a sexual trance - I need ice!
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| 34 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Some help we were. Operation Dork.
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| 35 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: The address is on the key. Knock twice, and ask for... mercy.
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| 36 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: The Dannymobile is ready to roll.
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| 37 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: We're gonna make one hell of a chalk outline.
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| 38 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Your honor, the Empire recommends we beam the earthling aboard the slave colony at Terra Bellevue (followed by Dan's imitation of Darth Vader breathing).
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| 39 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: Your squish is my command.
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| 40 | Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding
Dan Fielding: You're beautiful when you're spunky.
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| 41 | Dan Fielding & Billie Young | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding & Billie Young
Dan Fielding: Nice to meet you.
Billie Young: My pleasure.
Dan Fielding: That could be arranged.
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| 42 | Dan Fielding & Roz Russell | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dan Fielding & Roz Russell
Dan Fielding: I am off to Easy Street
Roz Russell: More like Sleazy Street.
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| 43 | Donna Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Donna Fielding
Donna Fielding: Hey sailor, wanna do the hornpipe?
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| 44 | Dr. Charles Melnick | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dr. Charles Melnick
Dr. Charles Melnick: You can't get good psychological therapy at Kmart, fella.
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| 45 | Dr. Judith Malloy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dr. Judith Malloy
Dr. Judith Malloy: Oh Dan, make me scream like a banshee!
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| 46 | Dr. Lawrence Osborne | Quotes | Quotes |
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Dr. Lawrence Osborne
Dr. Lawrence Osborne: All right, come on, people, that's enough reality for one day.
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| 47 | Florence | Quotes | Quotes |
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Florence
Florence (seeing Dan in a wheelchair): So that's why they call him Dr. Strangelove.
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| 48 | Florence | Quotes | Quotes |
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Florence
Florence: Ever do it to Twisted Sister? Talk is cheap, Bernie.
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| 49 | Florence | Quotes | Quotes |
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Florence
Florence: Honey, you just came this close to consciousness.
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| 50 | Harry Anderson | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Anderson
Harry Anderson: All right, Mr. Sulu - Warp 9.
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| 51 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: Fish can't talk to you, Leonard.
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| 52 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: Hi ladies, I'm Harry - but aren't we all?
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| 53 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: I don't know nothing about birthin' no babies.
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| 54 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: Let's cut out the formality - what can I do to make you fall hopelessly in love with me?
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| 55 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: My mom always said I was special.
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| 56 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: The court will remand the defendant to the custody of Bellevue. Bull, beam him up.
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| 57 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: This could go either way, unless... no, I guess it's got to go either way.
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| 58 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: Vaya con queso, mi compadre.
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| 59 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: Was Filet of Law Text on the cafeteria menu this evening?
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| 60 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: Well, here's another fact - you're a big Weiner.
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| 61 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: You held up an International House of Pancakes? How waffle!
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| 62 | Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone
Harry Stone: You've met the Marx brothers... Groucho, Chico, Cujo.
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| 63 | Harry Stone & Bull Shannon | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone & Bull Shannon
Harry Stone: Well, I guess the next step is obvious.
Bull Shannon: Right. We kill him. Then we rip his face off. Then we put it back on upside down.
Harry Stone: You subscribe to Drawn and Quarterly, don't you?
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| 64 | Harry Stone & Christine Sullivan  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone & Christine Sullivan
Harry Stone: Defense?
Christine Sullivan: My clients plead innocent, your honor.
Harry Stone: What grounds?
Christine Sullivan: Well, they claim to be victims of... a mind meld.
Harry Stone: A mind meld? Oh, come on, get real, guys! Star Trek is a TV show, for criminy's sakes. I'm gonna fine you each thirty bucks and I suggest you stop living with your parents.
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| 65 | Harry Stone & Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone & Dan Fielding
Harry Stone: Love is strange, huh?
Dan Fielding: Yeah, if you know what you're doing.
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| 66 | Harry Stone & Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone & Dan Fielding
Harry Stone: What do we have here, a little friction 'twixt the old Trekkies and the new?
Dan Fielding: Yes, Sir, they were involved in a brawl that broke out at their convention during a seminar on the role of androids in Starfleet command vehicles... Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?
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| 67 | Harry Stone & Eddie Simms | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone & Eddie Simms
Harry Stone: Hi. I'm Judge Stone. And you're?
Eddie Simms: Batman. This is my old lady, Wonder Woman.
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| 68 | Harry Stone, Christine Sullivan & Dan Fi... | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone, Christine Sullivan & Dan Fielding
Harry Stone: I'd like to grant a continuance pending a psychiatric evaluation.
Christine Sullivan: Agreed.
Dan Fielding: Ready to beam him aboard, Sir.
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| 69 | Harry Stone, Mac, New Trekkie, Old Trekk... | Quotes | Quotes |
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Harry Stone, Mac, New Trekkie, Old Trekkie & Bull Shannon
Harry Stone: What's up, Mac?
Mac: A little case of disturbing the peace at a Star Trek convention, Sir.
New Trekkie: Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!
Old Trekkie: Oh yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?
Bull Shannon: How do you like the bailiff Bull grip?
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| 70 | Kitty | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kitty
Kitty: I'd rather sit on your lap and suck out your fillings.
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| 71 | Kitty | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kitty
Kitty: Oh, was I being a bad kitty? I should be disciplined.
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| 72 | Kumok | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kumok
Kumok: You are business end of reindeer.
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| 73 | Lana Wagner | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lana Wagner
Lana Wagner: Harry, how could you take pudding from a hooker?
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| 74 | Lana Wagner | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lana Wagner
Lana Wagner: Never say to a judge, "That's crazy."
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| 75 | Lana Wagner | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lana Wagner
Lana Wagner: Never say to a judge, "You can't do that."
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| 76 | Mac Robinson | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mac Robinson
Mac Robinson: I want those evil spirits put back in my TV!
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| 77 | Mac Robinson | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mac Robinson
Mac Robinson: Was she mad? Picture what would happen if someone were to give Darth Vader a noogie.
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| 78 | Mac Robinson & Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mac Robinson & Harry Stone
Mac Robinson: In case you forgot, I work in this building.
Harry Stone: Sure, just like Clark works at the Daily Planet.
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| 79 | Mac Robinson & Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mac Robinson & Harry Stone
Mac Robinson: Oh, Harry, getting older isn't all bad. My grandfather used to say, people like wine, get better with age.
Harry Stone: I'm older than Spider-Man.
Mac Robinson: Well, what about Superman?
Harry Stone: He's still in his thirties.
Mac Robinson: Well, you're younger than those people that found him.
Harry Stone: The Kents? That old farm couple? That's supposed to make me feel better?
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| 80 | Miriam Brody & Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Miriam Brody & Dan Fielding
Miriam Brody: Ever fool around at work?
Dan Fielding: No. I mean, that is, not with another person.
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| 81 | Monty Potter | Quotes | Quotes |
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Monty Potter
Monty Potter: Hey honey, if I wanted your help, I'd drop my drawers.
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| 82 | Mr. Froufrou | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mr. Froufrou
Mr. Froufrou: Check me later and I'll show you why all the world loves a clown.
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| 83 | Mr. Froufrou | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mr. Froufrou
Mr. Froufrou: I haven't worn underwear since the late sixties.
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| 84 | Mrs. MacNulty | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mrs. MacNulty
Mrs. MacNulty: Ravage me now, you prancing pony!
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| 85 | Mrs. Smith | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Smith: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
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| 86 | New Trekkie, Harry Stone & Old Trekkie | Quotes | Quotes |
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New Trekkie, Harry Stone & Old Trekkie
New Trekkie: You have no authority over us.
Harry Stone: I beg your pardon?
New Trekkie: We are governed by the laws of the Federation.
Harry Stone: Is that so? Okay, that's contempt, chuck-o. One day in the county jail.
New Trekkie: That's what you think. Beam. Us. Up. (New Trekkies get beamed up)
Old Trekkie: Oh, big deal. Can they do this? (demonstrates Vulcan hand gesture).
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| 87 | Old Trekkie, New Trekkie & Harry Stone | Quotes | Quotes |
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Old Trekkie, New Trekkie & Harry Stone
Old Trekkie: Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge. Rules are rules.
New Trekkie: Oh yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive any time he felt like it.
Old Trekkie: Go suck on a tribble!
New Trekkie: Go sit on a phaser!
Harry Stone: None of that language in my courtroom.
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| 88 | Quon Le Robinson | Quotes | Quotes |
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Quon Le Robinson
Quon Le Robinson: I feel the tortured souls of my ancestors crying out in agony!
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| 89 | Quon Li Robinson | Quotes | Quotes |
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Quon Li Robinson
Quon Li Robinson: My family says they are going to kill themselves.
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| 90 | Quon Li Robinson | Quotes | Quotes |
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Quon Li Robinson
Quon Li Robinson: My family would like to know if this a good time to slay themselves.
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| 91 | Roberta | Quotes | Quotes |
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Roberta
Roberta: Give me a hundred bucks and I'll make your teeth sweat.
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| 92 | Roz Russell | Quotes | Quotes |
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Roz Russell
Roz Russell: Nothing says lovin' like someone in the oven.
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| 93 | Santa Clause | Quotes | Quotes |
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Santa Clause
Santa Clause: If I don't make it, tell Frosty goodbye. Just kidding. Get a doctor.
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| 94 | Sascha Minkoff & Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Sascha Minkoff & Dan Fielding
Sascha Minkoff: You are a brute. I love brutes.
Dan Fielding: Fine, wait here, I'll see if Jabba the Hutt's available.
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| 95 | Selma Hacker | Quotes | Quotes |
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Selma Hacker
Selma Hacker: Get as rough as you want boys, I'm numb.
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| 96 | Selma Hacker | Quotes | Quotes |
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Selma Hacker
Selma Hacker: Well, rope my feet and call me doggie.
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| 97 | Tatiana & Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Tatiana & Dan Fielding
Tatiana: I'm Tatiana, princess of Kepua.
Dan Fielding: Hi, I'm Dan. King of hanky panky.
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| 98 | Tracy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Tracy
Tracy: I get to carry the Consti-pi-tution.
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| 99 | Wendell & Dan Fielding | Quotes | Quotes |
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Wendell & Dan Fielding
Wendell: I always heard money couldn't buy happiness.
Dan Fielding: That's sick, Wendell.
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