TV Series 2003. Created by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn. Starring Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Marin Hinkle, Melanie Lynskey, Holland Taylor, Conchata Ferrell, Jennifer Taylor, April Bowlby, Ashton Kutcher, Amber Tamblyn and Edan Alexander.
Source Features: BBB (297) TIMELINE (13) MAP (18) QUOTES (52) TRIVIA (24) THEMES (2)
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Total Record Results: 52 - Medium: TV SERIES / Group: OTHER / Category: QUOTES
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1Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: After dinner, I was thinking we could light a fire. Don't worry, I've got all the wood we need.

2Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals.

3Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Fitful nights sleep in alcohol island?

4Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm a back doctor, but that doesn't mean I can't check out your front.

5Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women. Ironically, not my mother.

6Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: If you hope to have any kind of shot with this woman, you might want to lose the wedding ring. When it comes to dating, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If, you know, Superman was a vagina.

7Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: I'm a love bear. If I stop making love, I prevent forest fires.

8Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: Let's get you back to the Bat Cave, or whatever cave you crawled out of.

9Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper
Alan Harper: The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance.

10Alan Harper & Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper & Charlie Harper
Alan Harper: Alright, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go on a blind double date with you.
Charlie Harper: Why not?
Alan Harper: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader and I got her sister, the Incredible Hulk?
Charlie Harper: She really took a shine to you.
Alan Harper: Sure did. "Sara like puny Alan."

11Alan Harper & Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper & Charlie Harper
Alan Harper: Hey, what's that splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie Harper: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan Harper: What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D cup Latte, please.

12Alan Harper & Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper & Charlie Harper
Alan Harper: When I moved in here, I said it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake. And you said, "I understand."
Charlie Harper: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening.
Alan Harper: Then why do you say it?
Charlie Harper: It seems to make people happy, and that's what I'm all about.
Alan Harper: That's very altruistic, but I would prefer if you'd just be straight with me.
Charlie Harper: Fine.
Alan Harper: All I'm asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable 10-year-old boy living here.
Charlie Harper: I understand.
Alan Harper: Thank you.

13Alan Harper & Jake Harper QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper & Jake Harper
Alan Harper: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Jake Harper: Well, you must be like the Hulk.

14Alan Harper & James Earl Jones QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper & James Earl Jones
Alan Harper: Listen, would you mind recording my answering machine message for me?
James Earl Jones: That'll be an extra $500.
Alan Harper: That's okay, I'm rich now.
James Earl Jones: All right, what do you want, uh, This is CNN, or, Luke, I'm your father?

15Alan Harper & Walden Schmidt QuotesQuotes

Alan Harper & Walden Schmidt
Alan Harper: My point is, you can be whoever you want to be.
Walden Schmidt: I've never thought about it like that.
Alan Harper: Of course not. Why would Superman want to be Clark Kent?

16Artie Pliskin QuotesQuotes

Artie Pliskin
Artie Pliskin: The Wiggles can kiss my pasty white tushie!

17Berta QuotesQuotes

Berta
Berta: As long as we're discussing dining choices, why don't you bite me?

18Berta QuotesQuotes

Berta
Berta: You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.

19Brooke QuotesQuotes

Brooke
Brooke: It's like you're the Hulk, but only your balls got angry.

20Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: Congratulations Alan, you've managed to take the fun out of boobs.

21Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

22Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: I guess your hearing is more acute when your nuts are on the line.

23Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: It's been fun, but I am officially resigning as the mayor of Booger Town.

24Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: Nice to see you again. Good luck with the penis.

25Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: Oh, smells like one of us just crapped our pants, I sure hope it's you.

26Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: People who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.

27Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: To the Batcave, Alfred.

28Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: Welcome to the Matrix.

29Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: When did I become the family dog?

30Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: Whoa, slow down. Well, how drunk is she? Really? Batman drunk?

31Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: Who's smiling now, shorty?

32Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper
Charlie Harper: You know what that smell is? Epiphany for men.

33Charlie Harper & Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper & Alan Harper
Charlie Harper: Hey Alan, guess what?
Alan Harper: There is no god?
Charlie Harper: Oh on the contrary, there is a god, and he love me long time!

34Charlie Harper & Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper & Alan Harper
Charlie Harper: Well that attitude is why you sleep alone with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.
Alan Harper: Stay out of my room.

35Charlie Harper & Jake Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper & Jake Harper
Charlie Harper: This conversation is over.
Jake Harper: Not if I keep talking.

36Charlie Harper & Jake Harper QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper & Jake Harper
Charlie Harper: Want me to tuck you in?
Jake Harper: I'm too old to get tucked in, you... ass-face!

37Charlie Harper & Mia QuotesQuotes

Charlie Harper & Mia
Charlie Harper: Hey, you're a teacher.
Mia: Hey, you're a stalker.

38Evelyn Harper QuotesQuotes

Evelyn Harper
Evelyn Harper: So, I am zipping up my boots, and I am about to go onstage when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf, Texas gets up, and starts singing my song. I think you can imagine how unhappy I was.

39Evelyn Harper QuotesQuotes

Evelyn Harper
Evelyn Harper: The woman I paid to raise you did not raise a fool.

40Jake Harper QuotesQuotes

Jake Harper
Jake Harper: The names Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.

41Jake Harper QuotesQuotes

Jake Harper
Jake Harper: Want a glass of peanut butter?

42Laura Lang & Charlie Harper QuotesQuotes

Laura Lang & Charlie Harper
Laura Lang: Laura Lang.
Charlie Harper: Charlie Harper. Hey, didn't you used to date Superman?
That's Lana Lang. She was Superboy's girlfriend. And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.
Did it ever work?

43Lieutenant Wagner & Walden Schmidt QuotesQuotes

Lieutenant Wagner & Walden Schmidt
Lieutenant Wagner: See you at the gym.
Walden Schmidt: Okay, hasta la vista.

44Ms. Seabury QuotesQuotes

Ms. Seabury
Ms. Seabury (immediately after sex with Alan, before she dies): I want my watch back.

45Pawn Broker QuotesQuotes

Pawn Broker
Pawn broker: My sphincter's tight with anticipation.

46Steven Tyler QuotesQuotes

Steven Tyler
Steven Tyler: Berta, if you're gonna do a guy in the laundry room, put a scarf on the doorknob or something.

47Walden Schmidt QuotesQuotes

Walden Schmidt
Walden Schmidt: I could totally be Spider-Man.

48Walden Schmidt QuotesQuotes

Walden Schmidt
Walden Schmidt: Okay, flame off, Human Torch.

49Walden Schmidt QuotesQuotes

Walden Schmidt
Walden Schmidt: Wow, this looks like Charlie Sheen's house.

50Walden Schmidt & Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Walden Schmidt & Alan Harper
Walden Schmidt: Come on.
Alan Harper: Again, come on?
Walden Schmidt: I might need your help getting in a window.
Alan Harper: Now, I'm Spider-Man.

51Walden Schmidt & Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Walden Schmidt & Alan Harper
Walden Schmidt: What if we were more than friends?
Alan Harper: Like super friends?

52Walden Schmidt & Alan Harper QuotesQuotes

Walden Schmidt & Alan Harper
Walden Schmidt: When Bridget and I first got together, we were pretty broke, so we exchanged these cheap bands. But then after I made my first million, I got matching ones made out of rhodium and platinum. In retrospect, I probably should have had them made out of pop and tears.
Alan Harper: What's rhodium?
Walden Schmidt: It's the most expensive metal in the world. To symbolize how precious our love was.
Alan Harper: That was very romantic. But again, Lex Luthor for lady parts.


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