Fiction Empire

Quotes

Abed
Abed: All this time, I wondered what it was that brought our group together. But I forgot one thing all heroes need. They need an enemy. Batman has the Joker, the Justice League has the Legion of Doom, and this study group... has me. I'm the supervillain. Why didn't I see it before? I'm emotionless, logical, smarter than everybody else.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Annie, when you laugh like that, you snort like a piglet.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Do you mind that your face makeup doesn't match your neck? When I squint you look like a circus clown.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Don't get cocky, kid.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Everybody in our crew had a job. T-bone was the bag man. He'd move the fingers to a storeroom where two of the girls did the packaging. We could trust them not to eat the supply because Britta was a vegetarian and Shirley figured that if she stole, she'd go to hell. They'd hand the stuff out the window to Annie. She was the leg man and the distributor. The crazy thing was... it was their food and we were stealing it and giving it back to them like it was a big favor. Nobody asked any questions because Pierce's experience as a CEO had taught him how to keep the wheels from squeaking. I had it all worked out on a schedule.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Everyone else is growing and changing all the time, that's not my jam. I'm more fast-blinking, stoic, removed, uncomfortably self-aware type. Like Data or Johnny 5 or Mork or H.A.L. or K.I.T.T. Or K9 or Woodstock and/or Snoopy. Spock goes without saying.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Go on about what? Her uneven bra padding? You look like you're smuggling a lime and a coconut.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: I wanted to make a prequel and I ruined everything. I guess it could happen to anyone. I should probably write George Lucas a note of apology.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: I was looking for you. We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all of our stories. Like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the 4-billion-dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: I'm a bad person for tracking your location, but you altered my brain chemistry? I was up for three days that week. I invented an entire language, you fliztbarping gitzgorg.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: LeVar Banana Burton.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: movie reference.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: Take this seriously. Stay on furniture. No books, no bags. The dead can't talk. No coming back as a lava monster. Oh, and because the non-awesome often need incentive to do awesome stuff, the final survivor will win my near mint condition number one issue of Space Clone, valued by the comics authority at $50,000.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: When characters feel like the show they're on is ending, their instinct is to spin off into something safer, in Jeff and Britta's case, something that would last six episodes and have a lot of bickering about tweezers and gluten, starring them and an equally W.A.S.P.-y brunette couple with a title like better with my worse half or awfully wedded or tying the not, but "knot" is spelt without a K, or #CouplePeopleProblems, and every episode, you get...

Quotes

Abed
Abed: You know I have trouble reading people and I say the wrong things sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns and started graphing them. And by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for every body, so I kept doing it.

Quotes

Abed
Abed: You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet. Like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.

Abed & Annie

Quotes

Abed & Annie
Abed: What are you reading?
Annie: Pride and Prejudice.
Abed: So you're familiar with two sins. How about a third?

Abed & Chang

Quotes

Abed & Chang
Abed & Chang Abed: Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think... Chang?
Change: It's not Chang. It's Kevin. How long have you known?
Abed: Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever.

Abed & Evil Abed

Quotes

Abed & Evil Abed
Abed: My God. This is so cool.
Evil Abed: I know. You have no idea how long I've been waiting to talk to you about it. Kind of a Superman III meets that Star Trek episode meets season three of The Cape.
Abed: The Cape was cancelled.
Evil Abed: Not here. They retooled it for cable, and it's awesome. Want to see it?
Abed: Desperately.

Abed & Jeff

Quotes

Abed & Jeff
Abed: Jeff protected my honor. It was like My Bodyguard, but I was the kid from Meatballs, Jeff was the guy from Full Metal Jacket, and the mustache guy was the brother of the guy in Entourage.
Jeff: Thanks for dumbing that down for us.
Abed: No problem.

Abed & Jeff

Quotes

Abed & Jeff
Abed: That might be your car, Jeff. I was on my roof for the 4th of July, and the fireworks set off all the car alarms on the street. That one sounded like a brand-new Lexus.
Jeff: My Legs isn't new.
Abed: I know. Yours is a 2002. That's the year I heard it.

Abed & Jenny

Quotes

Abed & Jenny
Abed: I don't wanna spoil the ending but, uh, pride ends up with prejudice.
Jenny: That's funny.
Abed: I know. Stick with me, and you get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.

Abed & Jessica

Quotes

Abed & Jessica
Abed: So you've never seen any of the Star Wars movies?
Jessica: We were taught popular films were the work of the devil.
Abed: Well, if you're talking about the Phantom Menace, you were taught right.

Abed & Shirley's Kids

Quotes

Abed & Shirley's Kids
Abed: Hey, what movie you guys gonna see?
Shirley's kids: The Phantom Menace. It's kind of old.
Abed: And why do you wanna see it?
Shirley's kids: Because we like Star Wars.
Abed: Okay, if you like Star Wars, why do you wanna murder it and urinate on its grave? The prequels are terrible. I mean, seriously, wouldn't Chewbacca, at some point, go, "Hey, Yoda, I know that guy"?
Shirley's kids: He has double light sabers.
Abed: That's stupid. You're both stupid.
Shirley's kids: Well, why are you here to see the movie?
Abed: I'm not. I go wherever it plays to warn people. You've been warned.

Abed & Troy

Quotes

Abed & Troy
Abed: It's cool that Andre and Shirley are getting married again. There's a whole generation of viewers that didn't get to see the original.
Troy: Let's hope it's more of a Bale than a Kilmer situation.

Abed & Troy

Quotes

Abed & Troy
Abed: My mom's Polish. She loves Christmas. Every year, she visits on the same day. December 9th. Every year, we sit and watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Together. Every year.
Troy: But Abed, today is December 9th. It's the last day of classes.
Abed: Yeah, that can't be right. She comes every year. Today must be December 8th. Because she comes every year.

Alan Connor

Quotes

Alan Connor
Alan Connor: Scout's honor, Sinead O'Connor.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: Futurza. They're a rising star in pharmaceuticals. They invented fibromyalgia and the cure for fibromyalgia.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: I'd be depressed right now if these samples from work weren't giving me a new outlook on life. If you're interested in learning more, ask your doctor if Joyvatrex is right for you.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: Relaxabrex doesn't make you give up on your dreams. That's a side effect.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: There's nothing in your playlist but Spooky Party, the Beetlejuice soundtrack and NPR podcasts.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: They can advertise things without you knowing? Is that legal? It sounds like brain Windexing.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: Well I want to live in the same home for more than a year, order wine without feeling nervous, have a resume full of crazy mistakes instead of crazy lies. I want stories and wisdom, perspective. I wanna have so much behind me I'm not a slave to what's in front of me, especially these flavorless unremarkable Marvel movie.

Quotes

Annie
Annie: What's the matter, Jeff? Afraid Crazy Annie would go crazy for you? Well, guess what? Annie's got a gun.

Blue Leader, Red 5 & White Clones

Quotes

Annie
Annie: You're on your own, Al Capone.

Annie & Abed

Quotes

Annie & Abed
Annie: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary powwow, or "prelimi-wow" about what I'm calling our library's door conundrum.
Abed: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.

Annie & Abed

Quotes

Annie & Abed
Annie: Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary powwow, or "prelimi-wow" about what I'm calling our library's door conundrum.
Abed: Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.

Annie & Abed

Quotes

Annie & Abed
Annie: I don't think we're allowed to smoke in here.
Abed: Then you picked the wrong outfit, didn't you?

Annie & Britta

Quotes

Annie & Britta
Annie: At least the drugs I sell don't get slurped out of my belly button.
Britta: That's only on Tummy Tuesdays!

Annie & Britta

Quotes

Annie & Britta
Annie: At least the drugs I sell don't get slurped out of my belly button.
Britta: That's only on Tummy Tuesdays!

Annie & Britta

Quotes

Annie & Britta
Annie: You're just in time for Jeff's closing statements.
Britta: Who cares? Everything is terrible.
Annie: Oh, no. Have you been watching Dance Moms again?
Britta: I'm thinking of dyeing my hair.

Annie, Abed & Pierce

Quotes

Annie, Abed & Pierce
Annie: Abed, Shirley is our friend, and we're guests in her home. We need a plan that won't hurt her feelings, or damage her property.
Abed: Definitely don't look behind that poster, then.
Pierce: I could pretend to have a stroke. Do a gibberish foreign language. What if I did a gibberish foreign language like Star Wars? You'd like that, I bet. Dick.

Announcer

Quotes

Announcer
Announcer: Dice not included. Some assembly required. Lines between perception, desire, and reality may become blurred, redundant, or interchangeable. Characters may hook up with no regard for your emotional investment. Some episodes too conceptual to be funny. Some too funny to be immersive, and some so immersive they still aren't funny. Consistency between seasons may vary. Viewers may be measured by a secretive obsolete system based on selected participants keeping handwritten journals of what they watch. Show may be cancelled and moved to the Internet, where it turns out tens of millions were watching the whole time, may not matter.

Announcer

Quotes

Announcer
Announcer: Fake commercial may end with disclaimer gag which may descend into vain Chuck Lorre-esque rant by narcissistic creator. Creator may be unstable. Therapist may have told creator this is not how you make yourself a good person. Life may pass by while we ignore or mistreat those close to us. Those close to us may be those watching. Those people may want to know I love them, nut I may be incapable of saying it. Contains pieces the size of a child's esophagus.

Quotes

Blue Leader, Red 5 & White Clones
Blue Leader: In formation. Blue Leader, standing by.
Red 5: Red 5, standing by.
White Clones: White Clones, standing by.

Briggs Haddon

Quotes

Briggs Haddon
Briggs Haddon: Hi, I'm Briggs Haddon credited author of this weeks episode. You might have noticed an emphasis on the topic of incest, well that's no accident. For the past two years, when not serving as writer's assistant on Community, I've been researching incest on the internet. What I found, surprised me. Did you know that first cousins can have children without great risk of birth defect or genetic disease? That's a quote directly from the New York Times, April 4, 2002.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Corporate America has destroyed love.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Guess you really get what you pay for in free therapy.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Here's the deal, Jessica Biel.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: How long does peyote last? I'm just asking for a friend.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Look, I know some things have gotten too simple and other things have gotten too complicated, but we still have a legacy and a job in this country. We're the colony so high maintenance the British gave up. We're so obnoxious the French sent us a statue. Nobody tells us to shut up. And yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed, and yes, our democracy has been hijacked and turned into a puppet show about two fake parties that are controlled by a cartel of monopolies, and yes, if our votes had any real power they'd be illegal.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: No probl-o, Rob Lowe.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Oh, I didn't know you were deaf. I suspected you were blind from the outfit.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: This Gwynnifer must be real special. Don't you usually wear the striped Beetlejuice numbers?

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Who's there, bitch? Floor! Floor!

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Without anxiety to keep your vanity in check, you are vulnerable to a syndrome called hyper-narcissosis. Okay, look. This apple is your ego. Imagine it expanding to the point of critical mass, taking over your whole personality, making you an uncontrollable monster.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: Yeah, well, if I wanted the Government in my uterus, id fill it with oil and hispanic voters.

Quotes

Britta
Britta: You're monsters! You're Hitlers! You're racist pedophiles! You're the opposites of Batman!

Britta & Abed

Quotes

Britta & Abed
Britta: So you're saying we're all connected like the classic French film trilogy Bleu, Blanc, Rouge?
Abed: No, like something more accessible. Like Unbreakable.

Britta & Annie

Quotes

Britta & Annie
Britta: For our midterm, we actually get to diagnose a fellow student with something.
Annie: Don't you do way too much of that already?
Britta: Accusational opposition disorder.

Britta & Jeff

Quotes

Britta & Jeff
Britta: For our midterm, we actually get to diagnose a fellow student with something.
Jeff: Don't you do way too much of that already?
Britta: Accusational opposition disorder.

Britta & Troy

Quotes

Britta & Troy
Britta: I wish to end all wars.
Troy: That's another rule. No wishes containing the word "all." Guaranteed ironic consequences.
Britta: I don't think anyone's gonna miss wars.
Troy: Star Wars, Thumb Wars, wow, Storage Wars!

Buzz Hickey

Quotes

Buzz Hickey
Buzz Hickey: Get outta here. Place is a zoo. The trick is, you gotta show the other baboons you got a bigger, redder ass.

Buzz Hickey

Quotes

Buzz Hickey
Buzz Hickey: If I come over there, there are gonna be two sounds: me hitting you twice.

Buzz Hickey

Quotes

Buzz Hickey
Buzz Hickey: I'm a monster? I was in the storm drain lair of the Black River Ripper. I have seen human heads used for things other than heads, so best not be calling me a monster.

Quotes

Chang
Chang (as Chief Starr): Who am I? What's my motivation? Why am I doing or saying anything that I am saying or doing, I need more, I need more than what I'm getting.

Quotes

Chang
Chang (snorting corn chips): I said hot damn!

Quotes

Chang
Chang: Good luck passing your exam, Winger. At one point I was teaching you Klingon.

Quotes

Chang
Chang: Hey Phantom Menace, how's the trade embargo with the Naboo?

Quotes

Chang
Chang: It's a prescription throne. I have back mumps. Don't look it up. It's rare.

Quotes

Chang
Chang: Peachy keen, Avril Lavigne.

Quotes

Chang
Chang: Thank you, everyone, for joining in my celebration. As many of you know, I ate my twin sister in utero. So on my birthday, I try to remember I'm a winner. This one's for you, Connie. And a-one, a-two, a Chang, Chang, Chang-four.

Quotes

Chang
Chang: Ugh. My older brother will be at the barbecue. And it's none of your business, but I ate my twin in utero.

Chang & Jeff

Quotes

Chang & Jeff
Chang: So it ends as it began!
Jeff: It didn't begin this way.

Chang, Britta & Troy

Quotes

Chang, Britta & Troy
Chang: Oh, cool, someone got him a briefcase, like in the movie. What's in it?
Britta: Hey, don't touch that. It's from Jeff. He says nobody but Abed can open it.
Troy: Why? What's in it?

City College commercial

Quotes

City College commercial
City College commercial: You work hard to earn your degree, and your school should work hard to make that degree valuable. So, why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs? In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier mix named Ruffles took up residence on Greendale's campus. By 2008, Ruffles had earned a Bachelor's Degree. Not a two year degree, a four year degree. Where will you get your degree? If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned. Paid for by City College, license 264392.

Dean

Quotes

Dean
Dean: It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Quotes

Dean Pelton
Dean Pelton: I'm horrible. I'm horrible.

Quotes

Dean Pelton
Dean Pelton: I'm sort of a father figure to the kids around here for my outside the box approach to education. You know, like that film Children of the Corn.

Quotes

Dean Pelton
Dean Pelton: Quick announcement for two of Greendale's finest. Payday is postponed until next week, so this is my freestyle rap apology: Well, I'm a peanut bar, and I'm here to say, your checks will arrive on another day. Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar, another stuffed shirt with another white collar. Criminals, Wall Street, takin' the pie, and all the black man gets is a plate of white lies. Prisons recruitin' 'em, police be shootin' 'em, rap artists lootin' 'em, labels all dilutin' 'em, Barack Obama is scared of me! 'Cause I don't swallow knowledge and I spit it for free! Let me clear my throat, ah-ha, ah-ha... I don't know what that was, I don't. I don't know what that was.

Quotes

Dean Pelton
Dean Pelton: Release the whores.

Dean Pelton, Jeff & Annie

Quotes

Dean Pelton
Dean Pelton: Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland, catching the train to Sleepytown, and when they wake up the Dean'll be here staring at you! Sweet deans.

Dean Pelton & Abed

Quotes

Dean Pelton & Abed
Dean Pelton: Abed, are you making a religious film?
Abed: All movies are religious to me.
Dean Pelton: Nice. But is it a movie about Jesus?
Abed: Is The Matrix? Is RoboCop? Is Superman Returns? All stories are about death and resurrection.
Dean Pelton: I've got one, Wrath of Khan.
Abed: That's a good one.
Dean Pelton: Spock sacrifices himself for the crew and gets reborn. How captivating was Ricardo Montalban in that? I'm serious... Except in Abed's film, the character's name isn't Spock. That's true.
Abed: It's Abed.

Dean Pelton & Jeff

Quotes

Dean Pelton & Jeff
Dean Pelton: A cleaner Greendale is like a healthier cigarette. We're tobacco.
Jeff: No, we are not tobacco. We are Robert Downey Jr. He was so high he was crawling into people's windows. Now he's Iron Man. We self destruct like this because we'd rather be heroes than villains than just kind of sucky people, that need to work a lot at getting less sucky.

Dean Pelton & Jeff

Quotes

Dean Pelton & Jeff
Dean Pelton: Don't forget to come by our Halloween Scare-tacular Dance, starting in the cafeteria at 9:30. Also, I had the lights rigged to flicker for Halloween!
Jeff: It's been happening all week.
Dean Pelton: Halloween week!
Jeff: So the lights will work on November 1st?
Dean Pelton: All Saint's day... Month!

Dean Pelton & Jeff

Quotes

Dean Pelton & Jeff
Dean Pelton: You're the deceiver, Jeffrey.
Jeff: Yeah, Well, now you're the dead guy.

Dean Pelton & Leonard

Quotes

Dean Pelton & Leonard
Dean Pelton: Good morning, Greendale. As you know, it is April Fools' Day. Just kidding. It's the day before April Fools'.
Leonard: Baby Booey, Baby Booey, Baby Booey!
Dean Pelton: You know what, Leonard? Strike Two. Anyway, just reminding you to keep any April Fools' pranks physically safe, politically balanced and racially accessible. When in doubt, check the guidelines in our college pranks literature.

Quotes

Dean Pelton, Jeff & Annie
Dean Pelton: Hi, Mr. Professorson.
Jeff: His real name is Woolley, and he's defrauded your school to the tune of dozens of credits per year and nearly twice as many dollars. that's serious. Fortunately, I'm a big believer in second chances.
Annie: I'm not.

Deep Dish

Quotes

Deep Dish
Deep Dish: For 15 years, I've used my trademark table spoon to excavate a tunnel, swallowing handfuls of dirt with my meals and listening only to Smash Mouth in order to justify this poster. Now I am within inches of reaching the... (an explosion blows a giant hole in the wall).

Devin's Wife

Quotes

Devin's Wife
Devin's wife: Devin, you pick up that phone right now and you call these people and you tell 'em you want this part. These VCR games is where everything is headed. Can't you see that? You just became the Luke Skywalker of the new Star Wars. We've gotta move.

Dildopolis P.A.

Quotes

Dildopolis P.A.
Dildopolis P.A.: It's 2 a.m., time for Dildopolis' Night Own deals. Please be advised, we will be closed for Presidents' Day. Just kidding. Dildopolis never closes. At Dildopolis, your privacy is our top concern. All store purchases will show up on your credit card as ABC Dildos, Incorporated.

Dr. Heidi

Quotes

Dr. Heidi
Dr. Heidi: Well, there is a place called Greendale, and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I am alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together. Search your mind for the real memories. Try to look past the trauma you've been blocking out. You all came to this community college after your lives had fractured.

Quotes

Elroy
Elroy: All right! Now there's a man who knows his meatballs.

Quotes

Elroy
Elroy: My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009, I was addicted to encouraging white people. It started as simple survival. The tech industry in the 90s, this face, this voice, they're either gonna help you or hold you back. So, you tap the gas, because well, why tap the brake? I learned the cheat code. White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what for. I never felt like a sellout. I never laugh at anything unfunny, never said anything untrue. The thing is, and this will sound racist, white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other. So, the day you start telling them, hey, just do what you're doing! You feel like a superhero. But, what's the danger? Why'd I stop? You know, same as anything else that makes you feel good. If you don't put a lid on it. There's no lid.

Quotes

Elroy
Elroy: Now, that's a container for liquid.

Quotes

Elroy
Elroy: Oh, now that's the way to handle meatballs. And look at you. Working that asparagus.

Elroy, Annie & Dean Pelton

Quotes

Elroy
Elroy: You bet your sweet ass I saw Lawnmower Man. I consulted on it. Took Brigitte Nielsen to the premiere. We were building worlds within worlds.

100

Elroy & Abed

Quotes

Elroy & Abed
Elroy: So, let's crap out this piece of crap.
Abed: That attitude concerns me.

101

Quotes

Elroy, Annie & Dean Pelton
Elroy (playing Celebrity Garrett marriage): Oh. Okay, do you Garrett take Jack Nicholson to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Annie (imitating Garrett): I do.
Dean Pelton (imitating Jack Nicholson in The Shining): I do, Johnny!

102

Quotes

Frankie
Frankie: Are you - I don't know how to... I have a rule about being constructive, so I can't ask any questions right now. Because all of the questions I have right now are rhetorical and they end with the word idiot. Do you know what a rhetorical... no, of course you don't know what that is, you're an idiot. I'm sorry, I am so sorry. But you're so stupid. You have no idea. And you're the only one who has no idea, because guess why? Don't answer that, you'll get it wrong. So dumb. You're just a dumb little man who tries to destroy this school every minute. I am sorry. I'm so sorry.

103

Quotes

Frankie
Frankie: Oh God no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed addict bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear. My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every game on my phone that had anything to do with farming. What's true will be true, Annie. Our job is to deal with that truth.

104

Quotes

Frankie
Frankie: Okay, so, I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived. And three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross. Now, you want to hang on to that grouping. In marketing, it's what we call the Good Belushi. If I had a magic wand, I would use it to make sure Greendale never had to grow up. I would also probably use it to cut the Magic Wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR Repair, a class called Ladders, and When is it Okay to Shake a Baby? In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it. Someone needs to say, I'm in charge, and that person is me. That's my decision. That doesn't mean that we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me. I'll send out an email later to set up our next meeting.

105

George Clooney Impersonator

Quotes

Frankie
Frankie: Shut up, Leonard. You are... You are old. And you deserve less, because of your age. I don't, I don't actually believe that. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to... and everybody here is a... is a fart, a living fart from the butt of a lesser god!

106

Quotes

George Clooney Impersonator
George Clooney impersonator: I'm on the clock for another hour if you want me to do some Batman lines.

107

George Takei

Quotes

George Takei
George Takei: And so, Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke. I'm George Takei. And if your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins. Happy Halloween.

108

Gilbert

Quotes

Gilbert
Gilbert: If it would make it up to any of you in any way, there's a bar in town called Skeepers, and I hear they make a specialty drink... a Margarita, in fact, and it's served in a glass an entire yard long. My treat.

109

Gobi Nadir & Abed

Quotes

Gobi Nadir & Abed
Gobi Nadir: Just walk over there right now and apologize to the theater manager.
Abed: Midi-chlorians. Midi-chlorians!
Gobi Nadir: Fine. Then you're not going to film school!

110

Honda Boss & Britta

Quotes

Honda Boss & Britta
Honda Boss: Do you enjoy billboards and commercials, Miss Perry?
Britta: You mean shill-boards and con-mercials?

111

Howie Schwartz

Quotes

Howie Schwartz
Howie Schwartz: I love you, dad! I knew you'd invite the Hulk!

112

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: Annie, I'm not big on planning ahead, but I have one unmovable appointment, May 23rd, 2013. I have a table for one at Morty's Steakhouse where I'll celebrate becoming a lawyer again, which can only happen if I take a full load. (to Pierce) Don't. A full load of classes every year.

113

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: Get it? Like Pulp Fiction. A wallet that says "bad mother..."

114

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: Hot 'n' Brown's coffee really wakes me up to the fact that its coffee sucks.

115

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: I don't wanna be fine. I wanna be 25 and heading out into the world. I wanna fall asleep on a beach and be able to walk the next day, or stay up all night on accident. I wanna wear a t-shirt without looking like I forgot to get dressed. I want to be terrified of AIDS, I want to have an opinion about those, boring ass Marvel movies. And I want those opinions to be of any concern to the people making them.

116

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: I have a developmental disorder. Star Wars, Star Wars, cool cool cool.

117

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: If I have to start drinking in the men's room, the score in my head has to change from Trent Reznor to Johnny Cash doing Trent Reznor.

118

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: I'll go see if I can get the school's money back. You keep White Morpheus inside the Matrix.

119

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: I'm so confident now, I can pull things off I never dreamed possible. Look. Aviators. Final boarding call, Beefcake Airways.

120

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: Oh, great! Gilbert! Oh, great! Evil Jedi lightning Gilbert!

121

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: Oh, wow. Somewhere out there Tim Burton just got a boner.

122

Quotes

Jeff
Jeff: The restaurant wasn't his style at all. There were cloth napkins, no TVs. Abed liked chicken fingers, video games, Quentin Tarantino.

123

Jeff & Abed

Quotes

Jeff & Abed
Jeff: Abed is drunk with chicken power. He's gone from lovable Johnny Five to Evil HAL.
Abed: Hal Holb...
Jeff: Not Hal Holbrook.

124

Jeff & Abed

Quotes

Jeff & Abed
Jeff: I don't care what tricks or nonsense you have in your scrapbook, Martha Stewart, but there's no way you're gonna get me to believe there's some outside force controlling my destiny.
Abed: And I think you used that particular phrasing because I know you've seen Star Wars.
Jeff: Everybody's seen Star Wars.
Abed: Yes, but you first saw it when it was re-released in 1982 at the Greendale Palladium at 4:15 in the afternoon. And it was the best time you ever had with your father.

125

Jeff & Abed

Quotes

Jeff & Abed
Jeff: Let's make a deal. I'll help you connect with people, and you help me do a better job with them.
Abed: Like Knight Rider.
Jeff: Exactly like Knight Rider.
Abed: Deal. I'll put on a leather jacket and make out with an aerobics instructor. you pull around front and comedically startle passersby with your ability to talk.
Jeff: Maybe we should just stay here and have a plate of chicken fingers.
Abed: Cool. Can we eat them while sitting on a table like in Sixteen Candles?
Jeff: Pick one reference, Abed.
Abed: Sixteen Candles.

126

Jeff & Annie

Quotes

Jeff & Annie
Jeff: I'm really having trouble coming up with a toast.
Annie: I find that hard to believe, Jeff. You once convinced Troy that turtlenecks were made of turtles' necks.
Jeff: It's true, my superpower is that I can assume any position that suits my purpose. In that example... Keeping turtlenecks as an option for myself, down the road. But I do have a kryptonite. It's so obvious to me that marriage is dumb, I can't even pretend to get behind it.

127

Jeff & Britta

Quotes

Jeff & Britta
Jeff: I can't stop thinking this school might be in trouble because of this bridge-collapsing guy.
Britta: He's the one making bad bridges. That's like me blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies.

128

Jeff & Britta

Quotes

Jeff & Britta
Jeff: Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.
Britta: So you can say I "Britta'd" it?
Jeff: Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brit-astrophe." I coined that.

129

Jeff & Dean Pelton

Quotes

Jeff & Dean Pelton
Jeff: Please tell me you're breaking into that condo.
Dean Pelton: No, I bought it. Now we'll be like almost roomies. Oh, good, you got wine. I've got friends with benefits. No subtext.

130

Jeff & Quendra

Quotes

Jeff & Quendra
Jeff: Hey, guys, I want you to meet someone.
Quendra: My name's Quendra, I spell it with a Q-U.
Jeff: She's thinking about taking anthropology. So maybe she would make a nice addition or two to our study group. Something to consider.
Quendra: Are you Abed? I love Star Wars.
Jeff: That's Troy.
Quendra: I love footballs.

131

Jeff & Troy

Quotes

Jeff & Troy
Jeff: Troy, why do you have a monkey?
Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

132

Jeff & We Mei

Quotes

Jeff & We Mei
Jeff: Lingering scent, full body, perfect nose.
We Mei: Very nice wine.
Jeff: I was talking about you. Jeff Winger.

133

Jeff, Abed & Troy

Quotes

Jeff, Abed & Troy
Jeff: Abed, it's amazing. I mean, yes, 2008 was the height of the slightly sour frozen yogurt craze, but... that still doesn't explain it. Maybe we really were all meant to be together. I'm not sure I understand it, but maybe we don't have to. What I do know is that the ways our paths crossed, even when they were bad, all led us to this point.
Abed: And I wouldn't have it any other way. So what you're saying is that we're all each other's Uncle Ben's murder.
Troy: And we're all Spider-Men.
Jeff: Yeah. Let's say I'm saying that.

134

Jeff, Pierce & Annie

Quotes

Jeff, Pierce & Annie
Jeff: Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase, "streets ahead".
Pierce: Trying? Coined and minted. Been there, coined that. "Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.
Annie: Does it just mean "cool", or is it supposed to be, like, "miles ahead"?
Pierce: If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

135

Jen & Abed

Quotes

Jen & Abed
Jen: Go away loser.
Abed: Good one. Tell that to the stitching in your ratty panties, or wear higher jeans on laundry day.

136

Kat

Quotes

Kat
Kat: Super duper, Mr. Cooper.

137

Koogler

Quotes

Koogler
Koogler: Gentlemen... Assume the party.

138

Koogler

Quotes

Koogler
Koogler: I guess I have what you might call an aversion to education.

139

Koogler

Quotes

Koogler
Koogler: Now I have to tell you, no shooting in here. The first rule of Club Club is that we are not a fight club. The second rule is that if you're a hot lady, you have to have sex with me. And then there's a bunch of rules and restriction that they've just now been adding because of the lawsuits based on that, second rule, which, I'm not allowed to call a rule. That was my screw up.

140

Leonard

Quotes

Leonard
Leonard (as Dracula): I feel the force. What? I don't feel the force. I'm not allowed to. What do I feel? I feel Dracula force. I feel Dracula signals.

141

Leonard

Quotes

Leonard
Leonard: Hello, everybody. I'm Leonard. And I'm here today to review Let's Potato Chips. $1.79 at Kroger's. Ah, can't get this sucker open... Ah, there we are. Now, I've already had some of these, but let's see. Mmmm! Crispy. Mmmm... Salty, not too greasy. That one's shaped like a duck. Well, I guess that's definitely a buy. That's it. Let's Potato Chips are good, and they're a buy.

142

Leonard

Quotes

Leonard
Leonard: School's out, bitches.

143

Magnitude

Quotes

Magnitude
Magnitude: Yo, yo, yo, pop pop!

144

Meghan

Quotes

Meghan
Meghan: Look at your face. It's like your mom was a lizard that got raped by a muppet.

145

Meghan

Quotes

Meghan
Meghan: Yeah, Abed, go with your skanks.

146

Michelle Slater

Quotes

Michelle Slater
Michelle Slater: I'm chaperoning tomorrow's dance. You should come. Maybe your study buds will go. What's the blonde's name? Bitter, Butter, Beetlejuice?

147

Mike

Quotes

Mike
Mike: If this dude doesn't show up, we're going to Applebee's. Because I'm getting into a fight no matter what today.

148

Murray

Quotes

Murray
Murray: Well, now you have a new friend, the Limpkin wrench. Class, this is my Limpkin wrench. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My Limpkin wrench without me is useless.

149

Nurse, Jeff & Britta

Quotes

Nurse, Jeff & Britta
Nurse: He'd like to see Annie next.
Jeff: You know what? No. He'll see Jeff next.
Nurse: But you're not.
Jeff: Or what? You'll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay?
Nurse: Thank you?
Britta: That's called a "compl-insult". Part compliment, part insult. He invented them, I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an "explain-a-brag".

150

Nurse, Jeff & Britta

Quotes

Nurse, Jeff & Britta
Nurse: He'd like to see Annie next.
Jeff: You know what? No. He'll see Jeff next.
Nurse: But you're not.
Jeff: Or what? You'll do twice as much work as a doctor for half the pay?
Nurse: Thank you?
Brtitta: That's called a "compl-insult". Part compliment, part insult. He invented them, I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an "explain-a-brag".

151

Officer Cackowski

Quotes

Officer Cackowski
Officer Cackowski: How's everything otherwise? Stoked for Avengers? Avengers? Avengers? Avengers? I hear Marvel got really hands on this time, they really pinned in Joss Whedon creatively, so how can that go wrong? Okay, see ya.

152

Quotes

Pierce
Pierce: Easy-peezy George and Wheezy.

153

Quotes

Pierce
Pierce: Hey, Vicki. Vicki, look at me. I'm going to crush you. I'm gonna eat your brains, Vicki. I'm gonna slurp them right out of that melon you call a head.

154

Quotes

Pierce
Pierce: I mean, he's certainly the craziest one of us, but, you know, we're all kind of Crazy Town banana pants.

155

Quotes

Pierce
Pierce: Sounds like this has been a game-changing day for all of us. I almost sat on my balls, but at the last second, I made an adjustment. Okay, I didn't really avoid sitting on them. I sat right on them. Hurt like hell. I saw eagles.

156

Pierce Hawthorne

Quotes

Pierce Hawthorne
Pierce Hawthorne: Hey! Look at me now Dad!

157

Pierce Hologram

Quotes

Pierce Hologram
Pierce hologram: Continue on this path, and you might miss your last chance to see the Pierce Hawthorne Museum of Gender Sensitivity and Sexual Potency on the central quad. The museum and this hologram were donated in compliance with a court order I'm not allowed to discuss. Let's just say some women can't take a compliment. What I am allowed to discuss is Greendale, and ill say this... Don't turn your back on it. Take it from a man with no legal right to be there. You're in a special place. A crappy place, sure, but only because it gives crappy people a chance to sort themselves out. Did I sound gay at the end? Do you want to do another take?

158

Pierce, Abed & Troy

Quotes

Pierce, Abed & Troy
Pierce: Tell me, Abed, are you familiar with the Amburg region of the Edelmann river basin?
Abed: Of course I am.
Pierce: Then you'll know there's a reflecting pool with a very special amulet at the bottom of it. An amulet that allows the wearer full control over...
Troy: Draconis!
Abed: An all powerful red dragon.

159

Richie

Quotes

Richie
Richie: Yard margs at Skeeper's?

160

Rick & Dean Pelton

Quotes

Rick & Dean Pelton
Rick: Wow, Dean, you know, one vehicle's enough for one person.
Dean Pelton: I guess I know that in my head, but I can't shake this fear of losing even one small part of what Honda has to offer.
Rick: My God, you're level 7 susceptible.
Dean Pelton: What?
Rick: Nothing.
Dean Pelton: Look, Rick, whatever that is, you can tell me.

161

Quotes

Shirley
Shirley: And Andre's going as Han Solo. The boys are stormtroopers and little baby Ben is an Ewok.

162

Quotes

Shirley
Shirley: Here's brownie!

163

Quotes

Shirley
Shirley: I just beat this kid on the way to Tinkle Town.

164

Quotes

Shirley
Shirley: Those people up there, they may be rude, they may be pushy, they may have come to some wrongheaded conclusions about Batman and Robin.

165

Shirley, Troy, Abed, Annie & Jeff

Quotes

Shirley
Shirley: Yeah, he's just unique, like a snowflake who gets bent out of shape when you mix up Star Wars and Space Treks.

166

Shirley & Abed

Quotes

Shirley & Abed
Shirley: These aren't plot holes, Abed. This is my life.
Abed: But this kind of connection only makes our origin story more compelling. Like how awesome it is when Uncle Ben is murdered in Spider-Man.

167

Quotes

Shirley, Troy, Abed, Annie & Jeff
Shirley: Your heart's desensitized, Jeff. You're like a machine. It feels no love, just sex. You're like the Booty-nator. You know, Booty-nator? Like "I'll be back," but with booty.
Troy: Why would Booty-nator be back with booty? Wouldn't he just try and kill it?
Abed: Well, maybe he kills it, then brings it back as a trophy.
Annie: Why would he want dead booty?
Troy: I want Pirate's Booty.
Abed: Because you're hungry?
Jeff: Guys. I'll be back, but with booty.

168

Space Elder Frankie

Quotes

Space Elder Frankie
Space Elder Frankie: So sad what happened here, all those centons ago. So sad. So preventable. Space Elder Abed, can you reach backward with your mind and save our species?

169

Starburns

Quotes

Starburns
Starburns (dressed up as pirate for Halloween): Who wants to walk my plank, eh?

170

Title Card

Quotes

Title Card
Title Card: Thirty standard galactic time units later.

171

Todd

Quotes

Todd
Todd: We are here to witness the union of Garrett and Stacy in the eyes of, well in the eyes of whatever power you choose. Personally, I find the notion of choosing to be needlessly limited. What if I'm capable of total contradiction? What if science and religion were mine to wield as I choose? What if I'm God? What if I'm God? It is likely that I am not, but I think it's totally out of line to take that possibility off of the table.

172

Quotes

Troy
Troy: I am the truest repairman. And this man is a dishonor to making air conditioners work good. And I have the right to challenge him... In the sun chamber.

173

Quotes

Troy
Troy: I have the weirdest boner.

174

Quotes

Troy
Troy: I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.

175

Quotes

Troy
Troy: No Sweat, Boba Fett.

176

Quotes

Troy
Troy: This guy's like human fro-yo.

177

Quotes

Troy
Troy: What's up, girl? How you livin'?

178

Quotes

Troy
Troy: Yeah, thanks, Sharon. I never thought about it that way. Batman is sort of gay.

179