| # |
| 1 | Bad Janet   | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Bad Janet
Bad Janet: What up, skid marks?
|
| 2 | Bad Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Bad Janet
Bad Janet: Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink.
|
| 3 | Brittany & Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Brittany & Eleanor Shellstrop
Brittany: Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see Spider-Man 2 tonight. Do you want to come?
Eleanor Shellstrop: They made a second Spider-Man? What is there left to say? Sure, whatever, I'm in.
|
| 4 | Chet & Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chet & Eleanor Shellstrop
Chet: Damn, you got that good stank.
Eleanor Shellstrop: Right back atcha, bro.
|
| 5 | Chidi | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi
Chidi: If we goin' out, I'm going out with a belly of warm pretzels. Yummy yum yum.
|
| 6 | Chidi Anagonye  | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye
Chidi Anagonye: I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer!
|
| 7 | Chidi Anagonye | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye
Chidi Anagonye: Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes, they all gathered right here in the Agora. It was like the Avengers, but for super thinkers.
|
| 8 | Chidi Anagonye | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye
Chidi Anagonye: Super-board activate!
|
| 9 | Chidi Anagonye | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye
Chidi Anagonye: Time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby.
|
| 10 | Chidi Anagonye & Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye & Eleanor Shellstrop
Chidi Anagonye: Did you fill your bra with shrimp?
Eleanor Shellstrop: No. Yes.
|
| 11 | Chidi Anagonye & Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye & Eleanor Shellstrop
Chidi Anagonye: I've never seen you before in my life, but I think, somehow, we know each other.
Eleanor Shellstrop: That definitely sounded like a pick-up line, and I'm not not interested, but we need to figure this out first.
|
| 12 | Chidi Anagonye & Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Chidi Anagonye & Eleanor Shellstrop
Chidi Anagonye: Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.
Eleanor Shellstrop: Not with that attitude we can't.
|
| 13 | Clean Energy Crusader & Eleanor Shellstr... | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Clean Energy Crusader & Eleanor Shellstrop
Clean Energy Crusader: Do you have a moment to talk about the environment?
Eleanor Shellstrop: No, buzz off whale humper.
|
| 14 | Derek | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Derek
Derek: I will destroy you.
|
| 15 | Derek | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Derek
Derek: Oh, it's you. Well, you certainly don't have the Dereks to.
|
| 16 | Derek & Mindy St. Claire | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Derek & Mindy St. Claire
Derek: There are wind chimes where my ding dong should be.
Mindy St. Claire: I can work with that.
|
| 17 | Donkey Doug | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Donkey Doug
Donkey Doug: How about you and me go check out my jacuzzi and put stuff in each other?
|
| 18 | Eleanor & Baby Elephant | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor & Baby Elephant
Eleanor: Linda, this is Janet. If you want anything at all, Janet can bring it to you. Watch. Janet, can I have a baby elephant made of pure light that tells you true secrets about the universe?
Baby Elephant: Shirley Temple killed JFK.
Eleanor: See?
|
| 19 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.
|
| 20 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.
|
| 21 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: Here are my rules. Rule number one: I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it. Rule two: No more Spider-Man movies. There's way too many Spider-Man movies. Too many dorky, little twerp Spider-men. Rule three: Everyone, leave me alone.
|
| 22 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: Holy motherforking shirtballs!
|
| 23 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: It's Chidi Kryptonite. The choice between any two things.
|
| 24 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: We could have literally been flying, and all you wanted to do was talk about morals. I mean, you're like the worst part of Superman.
|
| 25 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: We've been through every argument: Contractualist, Kantian, "What would Superman do?", "What would Rihanna do?"... Are we missing anything?
|
| 26 | Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop
Eleanor Shellstrop: What the fork, man?
|
| 27 | Eleanor Shellstrop & Chidi Anagonye | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop & Chidi Anagonye
Chidi Anagonye: I know that book.
Eleanor Shellstrop: Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? Because it's only kind of working.
|
| 28 | Eleanor Shellstrop & Jason Mendoza | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop & Jason Mendoza
Eleanor Shellstrop: Jason, what have you got in your hand there, bud?
Jason Mendoza: Nothing.
Eleanor Shellstrop: Is it a spider?
Jason Mendoza: Yes.
Eleanor Shellstrop: Do you think taking a spider in an MRI machine will give you super powers?
Jason Mendoza: Hey, it might work. He already bit me a bunch of times and gave me the power to swell up my hand!
|
| 29 | Eleanor Shellstrop & Madison | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Eleanor Shellstrop & Madison
Eleanor Shellstrop: I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.
Madison: Ew. Why? Is it because you feel bad for all the little animals with their cute little faces because people stuff them in a tiny cages just so we can eat them?
Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeah, that's exactly why.
|
| 30 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: Fun fact - Columbus is in the bad place, because of all the raping, slave trade and genocide.
|
| 31 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence but I love to watch you leave.
|
| 32 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: I have tickets to Hamilton next week, and there's a rumor that David Diggs is coming back!
|
| 33 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: If I'm gone, who will take care of my birds?
|
| 34 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: I'm loving that hat on you. It would look even better on my floor.
|
| 35 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: Michael you monster!
|
| 36 | Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet
Janet: Michael, no, no, no, I'm pregnant, and it's your baby.
|
| 37 | Janet, Brent & Michael | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Janet, Brent & Michael
Janet: Not a secretary.
Brent: Fine, fine - executive assistant. Here we go with all the terms we gotta learn, right? Vice-president of helping. Captain Marvel. You know what I'm saying.
Michael: Oh, I'm not part of this.
 
|
| 38 | Jason Mendoza | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Jason Mendoza
Jason Mendoza: I made you this cool thing so you'll remember me even when you're married to Aquaman.
|
| 39 | Jason Mendoza & Eleanor Shellstrop | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Jason Mendoza & Eleanor Shellstrop
Jason Mendoza: Maybe we should ease off. He's pretty stressed already.
Eleanor Shellstrop: Please. He's not even dry heaving yet. How many Tums did he take today?
Jason Mendoza: Like, 20.
Eleanor Shellstrop: That's nothing. We don't stop until it's the whole bottle. Because the more miserable he is, the more he's going to teach you, and then everyone, and then he'll save humanity. He's like Superman, with nervous diarrhea.
|
| 40 | Kamilah Al-Jamil | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Kamilah Al-Jamil
Kamilah Al-Jamil: As a frog stares up in awe at the treetops, so too does humanity gawk at the purity of a blinding truth.
|
| 41 | Manisha Al-Jamil | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Manisha Al-Jamil
Manisha Al-Jamil: Don't get upset, dear. You barely fit in that dress, and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out", as it were.
|
| 42 | Michael | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Michael
Michael: Ah, farts.
|
| 43 | Michael | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Michael
Michael: Take it sleazy.
|
| 44 | Michael & Bad Janet | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Michael & Bad Janet
Michael: Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: What?
Bad Janet, where is the nearest cafe?
Oh, um, that's a good question. It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.
|
| 45 | Mindy St. Claire | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Mindy St. Claire
Mindy St. Claire: God! This feels so weird. Do some coke off my butt!
|
| 46 | Mindy St. Claire | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Mindy St. Claire
Mindy St. Claire: You always say that. And you always end up going back. I mean, sometimes you go back because you feel bad your friends don't know what you know. Sometimes you go back because you walk in on me while I'm masturbating. And sometimes you go back because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating. But no matter what, you always go back.
|
| 47 | Mindy St. Claire | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Mindy St. Claire
Mindy St. Claire: You know, it's bad enough that you guys have taken over my house for a year and I've had to move into the attic, but now I have to walk in to find Darth Vader's turd in the middle of my living room.
|
| 48 | Shawn | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Shawn
Shawn: What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess, and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh right - eat butt, you ding-dongs.
|
| 49 | Shawn & Michael | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Shawn & Michael
Shawn: So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are complete fake?
Michael: Yes, but frankly, this is on you. A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.
|
| 50 | Tahani Al-Jamil | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Tahani Al-Jamil
Tahani Al-Jamil: I should have seen this coming. No one can truly turn over a new leaf. Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he'd directed Argo. But then, right on schedule, it was, Guess what, Tahani? I'm gonna be Batman!
|
| 51 | Tahani Al-Jamil | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Tahani Al-Jamil
Tahani Al-Jamil: Nice shirt. Who designed it? Mark Fake-obs?
|
| 52 | Tahani Al-Jamil | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Tahani Al-Jamil
Tahani Al-Jamil: You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died, dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening. And it's the happiest I have ever been.
|
| 53 | Tahani Al-Jamil & Michael | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Tahani Al-Jamil & Michael
Tahani Al-Jamil: I shall be Rhonda Mumps, and I work down at the hotdog factory.
Michael: You need to be more specific. There are nine Hot Dog Torture Departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Tahani Al-Jamil: Stuffing people sounds fun. Is that shoving them into the throats of vegan?
Michael: Yes... throats.
|
| 54 | Trevor | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Trevor
Trevor: Hey, El-Train, you think with all these new Star Wars movies, they'll finally make a new Spaceballs?
|
| 55 | Vicki | Quotes | Quotes |
|
Vicki
Vicki: Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst, and you can all just suck it!
|
