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| 1 | Christie & Jerry   | Quotes | Quotes |
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Christie & Jerry
Christie: Here we are.
Jerry: Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude.
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| 2 | Donald the Bubble Boy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Donald the Bubble Boy
Donald the Bubble Boy: How about taking your top off.
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| 3 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain.
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| 4 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: Health cookies are those little dustboard fructose things.
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| 5 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
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| 6 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
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| 7 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: I wanna slide my tongue around you like a snake.
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| 8 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.
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| 9 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
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| 10 | Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine
Elaine: Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
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| 11 | Elaine & Jerry  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: And he is a friend, Jerry. He's reliable, he's considerate, he's like your exact opposite.
Jerry: So he's Bizarro Jerry.
Elaine: Bizarro Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite who lives in the backwards Bizarro World. Up is down, down is up. He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.
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| 12 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?
Jerry: Edmund Fitzgerald.
Elaine: I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.
Jerry: No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship.
Elaine: I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.
Jerry: Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens.
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| 13 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: Did I leave my glasses here?
Jerry: He could wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!
Elaine: Keep 'em.
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| 14 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: Hey, what if he's married?
Jerry: Kramer?
Elaine: No, the Green Lantern.
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| 15 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private!
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| 16 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: I'm crazy for doing this!
Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back don't you?
Elaine: Why are you so interested, you want to take her out?
Jerry: You know when Superman saves someone, no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
Elaine: Well you're not Superman.
Jerry: Well you're not Lois Lane.
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| 17 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.
Jerry: Ah, what did you find out, Lois?
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| 18 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.
Jerry: What bet?
Elaine: He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.
Jerry: Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader? I don't think so.
Elaine: That's what I said.
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| 19 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: This is Todd Gack.
Jerry: Oh of course. Todd Gack. Who did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy
Davis Jr.?
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| 20 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: Well, l... I guess I've been at Reggies.
Jerry: The Bizarro coffee shop?
Elaine: Kevin and his friends are nice people. They do good things. They read.
Jerry: I read.
Elaine: Books, Jerry.
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| 21 | Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Jerry
Elaine: You don't understand. See, she hasn't changed at all. She stole my boyfriend when I was in high school. I was at this party, and I was dating this really cute guy, his name was Tom Cosley, by the way, and she goes walking by, in this little floozy outfit, and he follows her, right out the door!
Jerry: She's your Lex Luthor!
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| 22 | Elaine & Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Kramer
Elaine: Well, you know, I've watched Peterman run the company.
Kramer: Sure you have.
Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that.
Kramer: You follow your katra, and you can do anything. Now get out of here.
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| 23 | Elaine & Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Kramer
Elaine: You never said you were fighting children.
Kramer: Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity.
Elaine: This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff?
Kramer: No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III The Search for Spock.
Elaine: Search for Spock?
Kramer: Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always...
Elaine: You doofus!
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| 24 | Elaine & Puddy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Puddy
Elaine: By making time with some floozy across the aisle?
Puddy: Yeah, that's right. What's going on over there with you and uh, vegetable lasagna?
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| 25 | Elaine & Puddy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Puddy
Elaine: What is that?
Puddy: It's my new coat.
Elaine: You ditched the fur?
Puddy: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball.
Elaine: You're gonna wear this all the time?
Puddy: All signs point to Yes!
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| 26 | Elaine & Todd Gack | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Todd Gack
Elaine: Hey Todd, let me ask you a question. Was this whole date thing just a way of asking me out?
Todd: What?
Elaine: I mean, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars?
Todd: Elaine, that was a legitimate bet, and I lost, so I bought you dinner.
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| 27 | Elaine & Vegetable Lasagna | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine & Vegetable Lasagna
Elaine: Please! I took you back. You know it, I know it, vegetable lasagna here knows it.
Vegetable Lasagna: I don't want to get involved.
Elaine: Ugh, I hope a giant mountain rises out of the ocean and we just ram right into it and end this whole thing!
Vegetable Lasagna: Oh god.
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| 28 | Elaine, George & Tony | Quotes | Quotes |
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Elaine, George & Tony
Elaine: This isn't a very good time, George.
George: I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute.
Tony: Step off, George. I don't wanna see you.
George: Me? Step off?
Elaine: Yeah, Tony says you better step off George.
George: But.. why? It wasn't my fault... You asked me for a sandwich... I made such delicious sandwiches.
Tony: Just beat it dude!
George (handing Elaine a comic book): Elaine, here here, it's Superman. Tony, please, next time it'll just be the two of us.
Tony: There won't be any next time, George.
George: Oh, Tony, don't.
Elaine: Okay, step off, George, can you just step off?
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| 29 | Frank Costanza | Quotes | Quotes |
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Frank Costanza
Frank Costanza: I will not tolerate infestation!
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| 30 | Frank Costanza | Quotes | Quotes |
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Frank Costanza
Frank Costanza: Serenity now!
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| 31 | Frank Costanza | Quotes | Quotes |
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Frank Costanza
Frank Costanza: You know what I like about Manhattan? No mosquitoes.
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| 32 | Gene & Kevin | Quotes | Quotes |
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Gene & Kevin
Gene: At work, I discovered a pay phone in the lobby that has free long distance.
Kevin: Oh, so, what did you do?
Gene: I called the phone company and immediately reported the error.
Kevin: Nice.
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| 33 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George (The Tatiana Story, Part 1): So we start to fool around and it's the first time, and it's early in the going and I begin to perceive this impending intestinal requirement whose needs are going to surpass, by great lengths, anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening, I'm thinking even if I can somehow manage to momentarily extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...
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| 34 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George (The Tatiana Story, Part 2): So I finally stop and say: "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think it would be best if I left." So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure her. And worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am, in reality, Batman. And I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal.
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| 35 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: All right, all right, let's get into panic mode!
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| 36 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!
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| 37 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women.
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| 38 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality... It's fabulous.
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| 39 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am!
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| 40 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric. What kind of name is that for a clown?
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| 41 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. It's not complicated.
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| 42 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: I got greedy. I flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.
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| 43 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: It's a different world when you're with a cool guy.
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| 44 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: It's a machine! The little light is blinking right now, 'Come and listen to the idiot! Hey everybody, the idiot's on!
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| 45 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!
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| 46 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: I'm just fine. Just get a little nervous on the weekends, that's all.
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| 47 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
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| 48 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp.
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| 49 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.
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| 50 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: The big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
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| 51 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
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| 52 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Well, at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.
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| 53 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?
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| 54 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: We're collectors. We see objects of great beauty and we must have them.
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| 55 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: We're like rats in some experiment.
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| 56 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: We're living in a society!
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| 57 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do.
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| 58 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Women don't want to see need. They want a take-charge guy. A colonel, a kaiser, a czar.
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| 59 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: Would you like a quesadilla?
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| 60 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: You know how the big toe is the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
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| 61 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: You know what - even if you killed somebody, I wouldn't turn you in.
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| 62 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert.
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| 63 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: You know what I'd like to do? I'd really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall, like a giant. Like 6'5".
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| 64 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George: You know, I think we really need to be in front of a television set. You take TV out of this relationship, it is just torture.
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| 65 | George | Quotes | Quotes |
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George
George's answering machine message: Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the phone, where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
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| 66 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: Have you ever given your code to anyone?
Jerry: No one's ever asked. You want it? It's Jor-El.
George: Superman's father on Krypton.
Jerry: Of course.
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| 67 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: Hey. How's your day, good?
Jerry: Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes.
George: So, uh, Wrath of Khan, huh?
Jerry: Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
George: What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?
Jerry: No, no, no, it's: She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George: That's it. That's the line that destroyed my life.
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| 68 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.
Jerry: I know, finally.
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| 69 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!
Jerry: Are you gonna say it again?
George: That's the question, Jimmy.
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| 70 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: So, attractive one day, not attractive the next?
Jerry: Have you come across this?
George: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome. She's a two-face.
Jerry: Like the Batman villain?
George: If that helps you.
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| 71 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.
Jerry: Hey, board of directors. Look at you!
George: Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
George: Don't you see? I'm back in.
Jerry: All because of Wrath of Khan?
George: Yes!
Jerry: Well, it was the best of those movies.
George: KHAN!
 
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| 72 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.
George: What is that?
Jerry: Star Trek II.
George: Wrath of Khan!
Jerry: Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case.
George: That was a hell of a thing when Spock died.
Jerry: Yeah.
 
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| 73 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on the land, or was he just restricted to water?
Jerry: No, I think I saw him on land a couple times.
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| 74 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: You know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge?
Jerry: You don't say.
George: Manslaughter. Literally, the slaughter of a man. Sounds brutal, doesn't it?
Jerry: Heinous.
George: Yet it's the most socially acceptable form of murder.
Jerry: So you think we should change the name.
George: Yes, I do. How about "Inadvertent Life-ending." "Unintentional Snuff-out."
Jerry: How about "I Can't Believe it's Not Murder?"
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| 75 | George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Jerry
George: You know what this has to do with?
Jerry: What?
George: The man in the cape. I bet you he is mixed up in this. I don't trust men in capes.
Jerry: You can't cast
dispersions on someone just because
they're wearing a cape. Superman wore a cape. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you say something bad about him.
George: All right, Superman's the exception.
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| 76 | George & Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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George & Kramer
George: We're in trouble now.
Kramer: Why?
George: Elaine.
Kramer: What about her?
George: I'm a little scared of her.
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| 77 | George, Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George, Elaine & Jerry
George: Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. Get all the money back, could've avoided the whole trip to Vermont.
Elaine: Superman can go back in time?
Jerry: We went over that.
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| 78 | George, Elaine & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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George, Elaine & Jerry
George: Who's this, Blue Arrow?
Elaine: Green Lantern.
Jerry: We found out his super power was lack of money.
Elaine: All right.
Jerry: He's invulnerable to creditors.
Elaine: We get it.
Jerry: He's the 'Got-no-Green' Lantern.
Elaine: Thank you.
Jerry: Hey, Elaine. Maybe his girlfriend is Lois Loan.
Elaine: Well crafted.
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| 79 | George, Jerry & Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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George, Jerry & Kramer
George: This thing can't hurt me, can it?
Jerry: I mean, it is a laser.
George: What if it hits my eye?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I can't be blind, Jerry. The blind are courageous.
Kramer: You'll be fine, as long as it doesn't hit you in the pupil... because then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star.
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| 80 | George, Mr. Ross & Mrs. Ross | Quotes | Quotes |
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George, Mr. Ross & Mrs. Ross
George: I can't believe this is happening.
Mr. Ross: Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." What was it, dear?
Mrs. Ross: Something about a way, wasn't it? And a light and a... Who the hell knows?
Mr. Ross: But what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end.
Mrs. Ross: So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us?
George: The second I see him.
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| 81 | Glenn, Elaine & Alison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Glenn, Elaine & Alison
Glenn: Oh, my God, Alison. You're home early.
Elaine: Who is this?
Alison: His wife.
Elaine: You're poor and married.
Glenn: Looks like it.
Alison: Who the hell are you?
Elaine: I guess I'm Lois Loan.
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| 82 | Greg | Quotes | Quotes |
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Greg
Greg: Oh, I see... you're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
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| 83 | Helena | Quotes | Quotes |
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Helena
Helena: It was a Three Stooges short. Sappy Pappies. I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember? The boys played three sailors who find a baby. The baby's been kidnapped, and the police think they did it. Of course, they didn't do it. The police have made an awful mistake. Moe hits Curly with an ax. he Stooges catch the kidnappers. But it's too late. The baby's dead. The boys are sent to death row and are executed. I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary. It was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.
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| 84 | Holly & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Holly & Jerry
Holly: I can't believe Elaine's never taken you here.
Jerry: I'm really not much of a meat eater.
Holly: You don't eat meat? What are you, one of those...?
Jerry: No, I'm not one of those.
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| 85 | J. Peterman | Quotes | Quotes |
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J. Peterman
J. Peterman: Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist.
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| 86 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Booing and hissing are not part of the show. You boo puppets. You hiss villains in silent movies.
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| 87 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Do your thing there where you lie to everyone.
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| 88 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: George, we're trying to have a civilization here.
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| 89 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Hey, how you doing, buddy? You need anything? You want me to go out, get you a Superman comic?
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| 90 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.
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| 91 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Holy Cow!
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| 92 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: If I like their race, how can that be racist?
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| 93 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.
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| 94 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: In the whole world right now there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think on this entire planet that you're one of those three?
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| 95 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting.You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here? I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.
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| 96 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See, I got them.
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| 97 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your Superman, your Batman, your Spider-Man, your Elastic Man. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?"
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| 98 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: I'm a man who respects a good coma.
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| 99 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
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| 100 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away!
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| 101 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV. The aliens were always dropping in because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They'd come over Friday nights. Klingon boxing. Got to be there.
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| 102 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie. I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?
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| 103 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Oh. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
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| 104 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
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| 105 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: That is one tough monkey.
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| 106 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury!
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| 107 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
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| 108 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: This guy's belching out vitamins... and this whole Justice League, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything? For crying out loud, he's Superman.
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| 109 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel.
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| 110 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!
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| 111 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party.
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| 112 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably, happy birthday? No such thing.
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| 113 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: What in god's name is going on here? Is she wearing the same thing over and over again? Or does she have a closet full of these, like Superman? I've got to unlock this mystery.
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| 114 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.
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| 115 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: Women don't respect salad eaters.
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| 116 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: You know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that could help you get girls. But you also have a relationship. But if you get rid of the relationship so you can get girls you lose the job... You see the irony?
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| 117 | Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry
Jerry: You know, they're doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set up a meet and greet.
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| 118 | Jerry & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Elaine
Elaine: He is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your exact opposite.
Jerry: So he's Bizarro Jerry!
Elaine: Bizarro Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says Hello when he leaves, Good bye when he arrives.
Elaine: Shouldn't he say Bad bye? Isn't that the, opposite of Good bye?
Jerry: No. It's still a goodbye.
Elaine: Does he live underwater?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Look. Just, forget it, all right?
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| 119 | Jerry & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Elaine
Jerry: Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.
Elaine: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner.
Elaine: If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me?
Jerry: Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole.
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| 120 | Jerry & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Elaine
Jerry: It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.
Elaine: See, what did I tell ya?
Jerry: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny" ...That's funny!
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| 121 | Jerry & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Elaine
Jerry: I'm being audited.
Elaine: You're being audited? What for?
Jerry: Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's really very boring.
Elaine: When was this?
Jerry: A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Elaine: I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
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| 122 | Jerry & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Elaine
Jerry: So, what's this guy about?
Elaine: I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked. I'll bet he's in a relationship.
Jerry: Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity. Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!
Elaine: Which one is he?
Jerry: Green suit, power ring.
Elaine: I don't care for jewelry on men.
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| 123 | Jerry & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & George
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything funny.
Jerry: It's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed. I'm sure he's got super humor.
George: You would think that, but either you're born with humor or you're not.
Jerry: It's not gonna change. Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?
George: I don't know. But he ain't funny.
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| 124 | Jerry & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & George
Jerry: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!
George: You're selling the car!?
Jerry: You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
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| 125 | Jerry & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & George
Jerry: What does he look like?
George: Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.
Jerry: He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
George: I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?
Jerry: Not you.
George: Ho ho. This bizarre Harrad Experiment experiment must end!
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| 126 | Jerry & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & George
Jerry: What is this?
George: What?
Jerry: We're going on a two day trip. What are you, Diana Ross?
George: I happen to dress based on mood.
Jerry: Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework, there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what mood is this?
George: This is Morning Mist.
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| 127 | Jerry & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & George
Jerry: When are you going out with her again?
George: I'm not. I'm inside the walls.
Jerry: So you're gonna burn that bridge.
George: Flame on!
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| 128 | Jerry & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & George
Jerry: Who are you, Diana Ross?
George: I dress based on mood.
Jerry: But you essentially always wear the same thing.George: Seemingly. But, within that basic framework, there are a number of subtle variations, visible only to the trained observer, that reveal the many moods, the many shades, of George Costanza.
Jerry: And what is this?
George: This is morning mist.
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| 129 | Jerry & Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Kramer
Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible!
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be!
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: All right. That's enough.
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| 130 | Jerry & Lois | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry & Lois
Jerry: Ready to go Lois?
Lois: You really like to say my name? Don't you?
Jerry: Excuse me, Lois. Stand back, Lois. Jimmy's in trouble, Lois.
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| 131 | Jerry, George & Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jerry, George & Kramer
Jerry: All right. Excuse me. I'm not buying any of this.
George: So, what are you saying? That we're wrong? Everybody's wrong but you.
Jerry: This is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes upcand he's the same, and everybody else is different.
Kramer: Which one?
Jerry: They were all like that.
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| 132 | Kevin & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kevin & Elaine
Kevin: Hey, guys. Elaine, sit down. These are a couple of my friends. This is Gene, and this guy we just call Feldman.
Elaine: Bizarro World.
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| 133 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Alright, fine, you sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's going to suffer? The little people. You and George.
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| 134 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Boy, that Hennigan's goes down smooth and afterwards, you don't even smell. That's right, folks. I just had three shots of Hennigan's, and I don't smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That's Hennigan's, the no-smell, no-tell Scotch.
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| 135 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Did I frighten you? I may look weird, but I'm just like you. I'm just a regular guy, just trying to make it in this business.
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| 136 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and bioflavenoids.
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| 137 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Hey, a rule is a rule, and let's face it, without rules there's chaos.
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| 138 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.
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| 139 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: I'm H.E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with.
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| 140 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Like a patient gets difficult, you "quone" him.
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| 141 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Oh, this power! Look what I'm doing! I'm dangerous, Jerry! I'm very very dangerous!
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| 142 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.
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| 143 | Kramer | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer
Kramer: Say, you got a big job interview and you're nervous. Throw back a couple of shots of Hennigan's and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it'll be our little secret.
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| 144 | Kramer & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer & Elaine
Kramer: Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first started karate...
Elaine: Karate?
Kramer: Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. First time I sparred with an opponent I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. Then I looked inside, and I found my katra.
Elaine: "Katra"?
Kramer: Yeah, your spirit, your being. That part of you that says, "Yes, I can." So I listened to my katra, and now... I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion.
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| 145 | Kramer & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer & George
Kramer: Now what does the little man inside you say? See you gotta listen to the little man.
George: My little man doesn't know.
Kramer: The little man knows all.
George: My little man's an idiot.
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| 146 | Kramer & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer & George
Kramer: Then everybody is screamin', because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion!The bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now, I'm drivin' the bus.
George: You're Batman!
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman.
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| 147 | Kramer & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer & Jerry
Kramer: Hey, Jerry?
Jerry: I'm right here. You're late.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?
Jerry: Like you care.
Kramer: Work piled up, I lost track of the time.
Jerry: Sure. Sure. You and your work. Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, and I'm left sitting here like this chicken. Which, by the way, was for two.
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| 148 | Kramer, Darren, George & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kramer, Darren, George & Jerry
Kramer: Sorry I couldn't get out of there, what did I miss?
Darren: Well, after ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not Iron Man wore some sort under garment between his skin and his iron suit.
Kramer: Uh huh.
George: And I still say he's naked under there!
Jerry: Oh that makes a lot of sense.
George: Oh, shut up!
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| 149 | Lois & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lois & Jerry
Lois: So you were the fastest kid in school.
Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
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| 150 | Lois & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lois & Jerry
Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour to pick me up?
Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
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| 151 | Lt. Bookman | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lt. Bookman
Lt. Bookman: Let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before - flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention.
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| 152 | Lt. Bookman | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lt. Bookman
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld.
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| 153 | Lt. Bookman | Quotes | Quotes |
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Lt. Bookman
Lt. Bookman: You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.
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| 154 | Mr. Lippman & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mr. Lippman & Elaine
Mr. Lippman: What is this guy again?
Elaine: They call him a cleaner. He makes problems go away.
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| 155 | Mr. Ross & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mr. Ross & George
Mr. Ross: My father built that cabin in 1947. My mother was recuperating from impetigo at the time and Dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air. She died there the following winter. And Dad passed away His last words to me were, "Cherish the cabin." Not, "Take care of your sister." She's a paraplegic. But, "Cherish the cabin." And I have, for 45 years. It's often been a sanctuary for me.
George: Kind of like Superman's Fortress of Solitude.
Mr. Ross: What?
George: Superman. He built a Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole to, you know, sort of get away from it all.
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| 156 | Mr. Thomassoulo & George | Quotes | Quotes |
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Mr. Thomassoulo & George
Mr. Thomassoulo: George, you're not really handicapped, are you?
George: I've had my difficulties.
Mr. Thomassoulo: I saw you running down Amsterdam Avenue lifting that 200 pound motorized cart with one hand.
George: Mr. Thomassoulo during times of great stress, people are capable of super human strength. Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk, sir?
Mr. Thomassoulo: No.
George: How about the old Spider Man live action show?
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| 157 | Newman | Quotes | Quotes |
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Newman
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words, Seinfeld - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching - watching as it all comes crumbling down.
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| 158 | Newman | Quotes | Quotes |
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Newman
Newman: Oh the humanity!
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| 159 | Newman, Elaine & Mr. Lippman | Quotes | Quotes |
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Newman, Elaine & Mr. Lippman
Newman: Where are they?
Elaine: In the back.
Newman: All right. I'm gonna need a clean eight-ounce glass.
Mr. Lippman: What is going on here?
Newman: If I'm curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here. And time is of the essence.
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| 160 | Ricky | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ricky
Ricky: Elaine! Hello! You look scrumptious.
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| 161 | Ricky | Quotes | Quotes |
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Ricky
Ricky: Hey, is that the Twilight Zone you're watching? This is a good one!
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| 162 | Sharon & Jerry | Quotes | Quotes |
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Sharon & Jerry
Sharon: You know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.
Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.
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| 163 | Sid | Quotes | Quotes |
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Sid
Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than puttin' on a pair of pants. My question to you is: who's puttin' your pants on?
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| 164 | Sid | Quotes | Quotes |
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Sid
Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
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| 165 | Sidra & Elaine | Quotes | Quotes |
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Sidra & Elaine
Sidra: He's one of those guys who is obsessed with neatness and order. Everything has gotta be just so. He would have made a great Nazi.
Elaine: Hey, does he ever talk about Superman?
Sidra: Yes. How did you know?
Elaine: I know the type.
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| 166 | Vegetable Lasagna | Quotes | Quotes |
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Vegetable Lasagna
Vegetable Lasagna: That's my applesauce.
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