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| 1 | Agnes DiPesto  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency. Getting strange calls in the middle of the night? Strange notes in your mailbox by dawn's early light? Tell us a bout it. Let us get involved. We'll find the perv and your problems will be solved... Hello? Why don't you say something? (heavy breathing) Well, to you too.
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| 2 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency. If persons are missing, if objects are lost, we'll find them for you at reasonable cost. Your runaway husband, that nonpaying louse, we'll find him for you, bring him back to the house. Lost a prize-winning dog? Lost a prize-winning cat? We'll find them both for you in just no time flat. So tell us your problem, it will all work out fine, just tell me your problem, it's why I'm on the line.
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| 3 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency. If you're in trouble, if you're in a jam, don't tell me, I don't give a damn.
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| 4 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency. Running a beauty pageant and need to know if any of the girls posed for photos that show more than the swimsuit competition would allow? Just give us a call and we'll find out now. We have sources at all the major men's magazines, and we'll use them to keep your beauty pageant clean.
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| 5 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency. Say your pooch hasn't yet come home, called his name and bought him a new bone? Just give us a shot, in a day we'll find Spot... Could you call back?
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| 6 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency. We're detectives with a heart, we're here to do our part. In your moment of need, we'll be there indeed. So please don't be shy, just give us a try. We're cooperative and discreet, we really can't be beat. And if I may be so bold, I'd like to put you on hold.
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| 7 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Investigations. Are you being watched? Are you being bugged? Just give us a call and we'll find the thug. Whoever is your peeping Tom, Dick or John, we won't quit until he is gone... Yes, I am wearing a pale green dress. How did you know? Are you watching me? Right now? Hello? Hello?
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| 8 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Investigations. Get in some trouble? We're there on the double. Wife a philanderer? We'll handle her. Need someone trailed? We've never failed. We break every case. We meet every goal. And what's more, aqui se habla espanol... sorry, no comprendo.
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| 9 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Investigations. If you're in trouble, if you're in a fix, we're the people to turn to, we make things right quick. We're effective 'cause we listen, listen, listen to all you say. We listen, listen, listen and send help on the way... Hold on a minute, will you?
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| 10 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Investigations. Thanks for calling the only agency that offers a double-your-crime-back guarantee. Amnesia cases are our special today. Finding the real you is our forte. We'll locate your name, find where you reside and throw in a gala welcome home party besides.
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| 11 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: City of Angels Investigations. Lost or stolen property - our specialty. You dropped it, we'll spot it. If he cheats, we'll peek. Little one gone? We'll find him before dawn. No job is too big, no job is too small. We're here to please one and all. We're licensed by the state of California and happily accept all major credit cards. How can I help you?
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| 12 | Agnes DiPesto  | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Herbert Quentin Viola! You can kiss my... On second thought you can't!
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| 13 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: There's nothing better in the whole world than spending Christmas Eve under a tree with a baby waiting for Santa Clause.
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| 14 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: Welcome to the Blue Moon Detective Agency. We'll help solve your case, we'll help you find your mate. If it's answers you need, we're eager to please. From stuff that's been took to people who rook. We're always on the case with a smile on our face. We're an agency with class, we'll really move our...
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| 15 | Agnes DiPesto | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto
Agnes DiPesto: We're here to unravel events that might baffle. We'll figure it out and leave you no doubt. So tell us what's wrong, it won't take us long. We do our work well, there's no need to yell.
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| 16 | Agnes DiPesto & David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto & David Addison
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency, domestic entanglements are our forte, if he plays around, we'll track 'em down, we'll catch him with his fling, takes shots of the whole thing, black and white and color too, big ones, little ones.
David Addison: Blue Moon Detective Agency, how may I help you - that is how we answer the phone.
Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency, how may I help you... I think he hung up.
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| 17 | Agnes DiPesto & David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes DiPesto & David Addison
Agnes DiPesto: Jury duty!
David Addison: All right. Go out, get yourself 10 pounds of carrots. Eat them. It'll turn your skin orange. The judge will think she's got liver condition. Shave your head in a Mohawk, tattoo an eight ball. Get blood, paint your face. The judge will think she's out of her mind.
 
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| 18 | Agnes Dipesto and Herbert Viola's Doorma... | Quotes | Quotes |
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Agnes Dipesto and Herbert Viola's Doormat
Agnes Dipesto and Herbert Viola's Doormat: Agnes & Burt Please Wipe Your Dirt.
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| 19 | David  | Quotes | Quotes |
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David
David: All right, look, Spider-Man, why don't you and me go inside. Come on, slip inside, order up a mess of flies from room service.
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| 20 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: Bloody Mary. Easy on the blood, heavy on the Mary.
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| 21 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: Can I have your baby? No, of course I can't, it's a trick question. Bring me two of anything in the tequila family.
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| 22 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: Do bears bear? Do bees be?
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| 23 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: Hi. That's a very nice dress you have on. I like that.
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| 24 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: My spider-sense tells me we are in the money.
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| 25 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: Shut up, Reptile!
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| 26 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: Talk about life imitating art. Now, I could make a double entendre here but I'm doing my part to clean up the airwaves. Just say no to innuendo. Hang on, Maddie.
 
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| 27 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: That would make him the biggest bigamist in bigamy history. (to camera) Try saying that three times fast.
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| 28 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: We are talking major weird here.
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| 29 | David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison
David Addison: We solve no crime before its time.
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| 30 | David Addison & Maddie Hayes | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison & Maddie Hayes
Maddie Hayes: So, what do we do now?
David Addison: Beat everybody to the diamonds.
Maddie Hayes: Right, and do you know how to do that?
David Addison: Hey - do flies fly? Does Spock beam up?
Maddie Hayes: Do you know where they are?
David Addison: I think I can safely narrow it down to a planet.
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| 31 | David Addison & Nurse Saundra | Quotes | Quotes |
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David Addison & Nurse Saundra
David Addison: You know where I can get a sandwich around here? There's a little place across the street. Would you like to join me?
Nurse Saundra: I'm brown-bagging it today.
David Addison: We could have a luncheon for two on the grass.
Nurse Saundra: Wouldn't be very professional of me.
David Addison: It's not good for your digestion to eat alone.
Nurse Saundra: Are you hitting on me?
David Addison: Yeah.
 
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| 32 | Herbert Viola & MacGillicudy | Quotes | Quotes |
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Herbert Viola & MacGillicudy
Herbert Viola: Agnes, tomorrow, would you call the computer company? I'm having trouble formatting the documents on my floppy disk.
MacGillicudy: Do it yourself, wiener. Ain't you got fingers?
Herbert Viola: Yeah, and they'd make a real, tasty fist sandwich.
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| 33 | Kathleen O'Rourke (portrayed by Maddie H... | Quotes | Quotes |
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Kathleen O'Rourke (portrayed by Maddie Hayes) & the Other Man (portrayed by Herbert Viola)
Kathleen O'Rourke: I thought he'd never leave.
The Other Man: I live for these moments of stolen passion. The waiting is torture.
Kathleen O'Rourke: You make me hot.
The Other Man: I know.
Kathleen O'Rourke: I wanna be a bad, bad girl. Tell me what you want me to do.
The Other Man: Remind me to fix the leak in your faucet. There's really a leak in your bathroom. I'll bring my tools tomorrow.
Kathleen O'Rourke: What a man.
 
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| 34 | Maddie Hayes & David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Maddie Hayes & David Addison
Maddie Hayes: Are you suggesting that Agnes lie to get out of her responsibility?
David Addison: Yeah. I know a guy who smeared cat food all over himself, went to the induction center in his mom's undies, it worked.
Maddie Hayes: Never mind that lying under oath is a criminal offense. Agnes has a moral obligation. What would our legal system be if everyone tried to weasel out? What would happen to truth, justice and the American way?
 
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| 35 | Maddie Hayes & David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Maddie Hayes & David Addison
Maddie Hayes: I am not a sexist.
David Addison: Not only are you a sexist, but you are the sexiest sexist it has been my good fortune to satirize.
Maddie Hayes: Satirize?
David Addison: Satirize, scrutinize, fantasize, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
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| 36 | Maddie Hayes & David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Maddie Hayes & David Addison
Maddie Hayes: We better get back to work.
David Addison: But we don't have any work.
Maddie Hayes: Of course we do, we have to talk to the writers and get them to write bigger parts for next week's episode.
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| 37 | Maddie Hayes & David Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Maddie Hayes & David Addison
Maddie Hayes: When did you figure all this out?
David Addison: During the commercial.
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| 38 | Richard Addison | Quotes | Quotes |
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Richard Addison
Richard Addison: Hello? Wow, that's exactly what I was thinking. Talk about two people in sync!
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