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| 1 | Jack Handey  | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I'd rather be rich than stupid. |
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| 2 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. |
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| 3 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? |
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| 4 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. |
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| 5 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. |
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| 6 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. |
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| 7 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. |
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| 8 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. |
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| 9 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." |
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| 10 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. |
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| 11 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. |
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| 12 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. |
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| 13 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head! |
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| 14 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun." |
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| 15 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. |
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| 16 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. |
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| 17 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. |
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| 18 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read, "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! |
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| 19 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. |
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| 20 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: The crows are calling me again, thought Caw. |
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| 21 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?" |
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| 22 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. |
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| 23 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Laurie got offended that I used the word puke. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. |
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| 24 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. |
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| 25 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." |
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| 26 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. |
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| 27 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. |
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| 28 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. |
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| 29 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. |
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| 30 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. |
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| 31 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says, "You". After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. |
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| 32 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. |
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| 33 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called Dad. We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. |
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| 34 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. |
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| 35 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. |
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| 36 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you ever drop your keys in a pool of molten lava, let 'em go. Cause man, they're gone. |
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| 37 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. |
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| 38 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, probably because of something you did. |
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| 39 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. |
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| 40 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. |
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| 41 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. |
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| 42 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. |
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| 43 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. |
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| 44 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. |
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| 45 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. |
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| 46 | Jack Handey | SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 1975 TV Series | Other | Quotes | Quotes |
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Jack Handey
Jack Handey: What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. |
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